The Laurnie Wilson Show
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The Laurnie Wilson Show
Crafting Your Unique Relationship Blueprint
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Ever felt trapped by the conventional expectations of monogamy? In this episode, you'll gain a fresh perspective on how to structure your romantic life in a way that feels true to you. So join me, as we challenge the traditional monogamous trajectory, redefine what healthy prioritization looks like in romantic relationships and explore how you can maintain your personal freedom, without sacrificing the deep connections you desire.
What does it truly mean to prioritize a partner without forsaking other significant relationships? This episode invites you to reassess your approach to time and emotional investment in your romantic life, specifically exploring the topics of prioritization and proximity. By the end of our time together, you'll be equipped with actionable tips and food for thought to foster a healthier, more fulfilling connection with your partner—one that aligns with your personal values and lifestyle.
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Hi and welcome back to the Larnie Wilson show. My name is Larnie, I'm your host and I'm so glad that you are here, because in this season of the show we are talking about things that we don't normally talk about. We're talking about the hotter topics. We're talking about the things that can be the strong opinions, sometimes strongly held, sometimes loosely held but all of these are topics that we're going to approach from a little bit more of a subconscious perspective to better understand them and give you a little more data to work with as you are moving through your life and figuring out what works for you. So if that sounds good, then I mean you can go ahead and subscribe right here and right now. We'd love to have you around, but let's dive into today's topic, which is doing monogamy differently.
Speaker 1:Now this podcast is probably this particular episode of the podcast I should say is likely going to be for the girlies who are out here and you know that you prefer and really operate in a monogamous way. But you don't really get or stand with the versions of monogamy and the examples of monogamy that you've seen. But polyamory isn't for you. You know that, but you just want to be able to do monogamy your way, as opposed to just picking up the traditions that have been passed down to you for generations and generations. So what do I mean by that? I think normally when we are talking about monogamy, there's kind of like a pipeline right. There's kind of like a system which is you meet someone, you start dating depending on the two of you, maybe things move really quickly or maybe really slowly, but this person like basically becomes the most important person in your life besides yourself, sometimes even more important than you and you do a lot of things together. You end up, maybe you decide to move in together, maybe you get a pet together, maybe you get married, you adopt a dog, you have kids, you buy the house. I think there's a very clear trajectory on the monogamy pipeline of how things go and a lot of that, a lot of the foundation of that, is sharing every single thing of yourself with that person and them with you, and then doing a lot of things together and really prioritizing your proximity to each other and your time together as the number one thing in your life, as the number one relationship in your life, above friends, above siblings, above whomever else, and I'm not here to say there's anything wrong with that? First and foremost, let me just say if this works for you, if this has been working for you, if you enjoy this, then by all means please continue. This podcast episode might just not be for you and come back for the next one. I would love to see you here, but if any part of what I just described does not fit into what you desire for yourself, then this will likely be a good episode for you.
Speaker 1:And I think some people are going to listen and say, oh well, that's only going to be like a thing that happens in cis, hetero, monogamous relationships, and I just I don't think that's necessarily true either. I think when we're talking about monogamy, I do think it spans gender, I think it spans sexuality, I think it spans the whole spectrum of different identities, because the category of monogamy, I think, takes precedence over any of those other categories because of the conditioning that we have all had so strongly inside of us. I think for folks who are on the polyamorous path, things might look different and it's like, in some ways I don't want to say like easier for it to look different, but it's like it's already a whole different category. You're not even like necessarily using the templates or the frameworks that you were given by. You know monogamy, because you're operating in like a different kind of ballpark. You know what I mean. But I think when you are wanting to do things different within a monogamous template, your identities kind of all get sequestered underneath that bigger title, just because, as I said, the conditioning is so strong about what monogamous relationships of any variety will look like.
Speaker 1:So this podcast is for you. If you want to talk about doing things a little bit differently, okay, and if not for you, I send you on your way with so much love and appreciation, but let's dive into it. So I think a couple of the core things that I want us to examine today are this notion of prioritization and proximity, because I think those are two of the main things that come up when we're talking about monogamous relationships the ones that we've seen around us, the ones that we've been shown our whole lives, basically the ones that are celebrated on television or in movies or wherever. Is proximity and prioritization? So let's start with the prioritization piece. Now, if you want to have a significant someone in your life, you might be thinking well, of course I'm going to prioritize them. Of course I'm going to want to spend time with them. Of course I'm going to prioritize them. Of course I'm going to want to spend time with them. Of course I'm going to want to see them as much as I can.
Speaker 1:And again, not saying any of that is wrong, but something that I think we could all use a little more kind of refinement around is what does healthy prioritization actually look like for me? Am I prioritizing someone to the extent that I am denying myself things that would be good for me? Am I prioritizing someone to the extent that I am denying myself things that would be good for me? Am I prioritizing this person to the extent that I don't feel like I have the same sort of freedom or access that they do, because what I'm giving up is so great in the process of prioritizing this person and I don't say this in a judgmental way at all, because I think we've all been there I have absolutely been there. I have absolutely dissolved myself into a relationship just because I thought that's what I needed to do in order for that relationship to work. And I think when you do that and when that relationship falls apart is when you realize there was never going to be enough dissolving of self that you could have done to maintain that relationship.
Speaker 1:The relationship was not healthy. It wasn't good for you. So that's the first question that I want you to ask is what would it actually look like for me to prioritize a partner in a healthy way? It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship right now or if you're dating or if you're completely not and just living your life. But you want to think about it, because we all benefit from what does it look like? What does it actually look like in your life? Can you actually imagine what would it be like to prioritize someone in a way that was also healthy for you?
Speaker 1:Because I think sometimes, when we talk about monogamy, we talk about serious romantic relationships that are between two people what we see is oh well, you're obviously going to spend all of your free time together, or you're going to spend the best of your free time together. So maybe that means you're spending, like you know, all of your Saturday into your Sunday together, or maybe that means you're, you know, whatever, I don't know your life and your schedule. But basically it's this sort of consistent prioritization of this one person and that might work great for you. But and also it can be useful to consider am I getting enough time for the other relationships in my life, because that is going to be other, or one of the other sides of this is that if we're only prioritizing this one person, because the monogamous traditions that we've been told have said you need to be picked by a person and go into the world with this one person, with your person at your side, that really tells us to deprioritize other relationships in our lives, our friendships, our relationships with our siblings, our relationships with our parents or other people who are not a romantic person in our lives, and so I think it's just useful to sit and say, okay, well, first of all, if the way I've done monogamy is either not working or hasn't worked in the past, what have I been prioritizing here?
Speaker 1:Like, what have I actually been prioritizing? Has it been quality time with this person who I love, or has it just been me spending all of my time with them because I thought that's what I needed to do? All of my time with them because I thought that's what I needed to do? Have I been prioritizing getting to know this person on a deeper level, or have I just been, like, creating environments where we can go and like, spend time together, but we're not connecting any deeper and so I'm not really leaving satisfied or fulfilled and maybe they aren't either like really sit and ask yourself that question, because it's one thing to prioritize someone and give them time and affection and care and obviously we all want to do that if we're going to be in a romantic relationship. That's part of the thing that we're signing up for, is the love and the affection and the care and all of that. But it's the way that we experience it and it's the way that we provide a space for it in our lives that can make all the difference provide a space for in our lives that can make all the difference.
Speaker 1:So that means you might realize that you actually don't want to spend every single holiday with this romantic partner. Maybe you don't want to spend every single weekend with this romantic partner. Maybe you don't want to live with this romantic partner. Maybe you don't want to do any of these things that we have been told are necessary acts of prioritization in order to have a healthy monogamous relationship. Maybe you don't want to do those things and if so, can you start letting that be okay and can you start more than just letting it be okay, acting on those desires.
Speaker 1:And this is where I think a lot of people or many of us, I should say can get a little bit tripped up, because it's one thing to know what you want, it's one thing to know what would feel good for you, and it is another thing entirely to actually live that Right. You can know that you don't want to live in the same place as your partner. You can know that you don't want to spend all of your holidays with this romantic partner, but are you still doing it? Because that's also what starts to build resentment, right? If we know what we want is different than what we're doing. And so, if you're feeling some friction around this, I definitely recommend that you sit and ask yourself why is it so difficult for me to actually act upon what I want, if this is a relationship that I believe is truly healthy for me? Why is it difficult for me to make these changes or propose a new way of doing things? And I know some people might say oh well, I've just always done it this way X, y, z, et cetera, et cetera. But just because you've always done something this way doesn't mean that it has to continue.
Speaker 1:I read something recently that said do not make your past more important than your present and your future. And I think so often. When we make excuses for ourselves or when we tell ourselves stories about why we're doing something, it is often because, oh well, that's how it's been, that's what I was shown, that's what happened to me when I was five years old and I'm not trying to make light of the very real challenges and traumas and difficulties that we all face, but at a certain point, if you really want to make a change in your life, you've got to ask yourself why is the past more important than the present and why is the past more important than the future? So consider that, with the way that you are prioritizing things in your monogamous relationship, and see what comes up for you, see what beliefs are there, see what stories you've been telling yourself. Maybe you've been telling yourself nobody will want to date me or be with me or love me, no one will think I'm worthy of their attention if I don't do X, y, z.
Speaker 1:And you know what those stories are really believable. They are so easy to believe, oh my gosh. Especially if you've been telling yourself that for like five years, 10 years, your whole life. It is so easy to believe those stories, but if there are certain narratives that have been coming up for you and you're saying, well, no one's going to love me if I don't want to see them every weekend, baby, we got to sit down. We have got to sit down and have a little chit chat about that, because do you know how many people there are in this world? Do you know how many people? There are, billions of people in this world, and so whatever you want and I believe this so deeply whatever you want is available to you. So you telling yourself a story about oh so-and-so won't want to spend time with me because I don't want to see them all the time, or I don't want to do this, that or the other, it's just a story. It is literally just a line that has been occupying your mind. But it is not the truth, because there are way too many people in this world for there to not be people who also want what you want. I mean, come on, I mean, look, if there were 20 people in the world, maybe I'd say, okay, maybe your story has some validity. It does not work. I will not accept that one.
Speaker 1:So just consider the stories that you've been telling yourself and the reasons that you've been prioritizing someone in your life in a certain way. Maybe you look at it and you're like, actually I'm good with this, I'm so happy with how I've been prioritizing this person. Amazing, go forth and thrive and prosper, and I love that for you. But if not, you know that you get to start making some changes around what it looks like to prioritize this particular person or the role that this particular person might have in your life, because who knows? You know might not be that person, it might be the next one or it might be the whoever. So you get to decide what role they play in your life and look, when you decide to do things differently in terms of how you prioritize people, especially romantic partners, will that change? Who is interested? Yeah, but you know what it's going to do. It's going to make it so that people who are interested in you are on the same page, and I just think that's what we really actually want.
Speaker 1:If we want a healthy relationship, if we want these monogamous connections to be really fulfilling, we don't want to spend time with people who don't have the same beliefs about the relationship that we do and it's okay if you spent a long time with someone and then you realize, oh, we're on different pages. That is fine, that's a living right. That is going and having experiences and figuring out what you want and then figure out what they want. But you don't have to stay in that situation if it has become abundantly clear that both of you want different things. So the next category that we're talking about here, with doing monogamous relationships differently, is proximity.
Speaker 1:Now I understand that prioritization and proximity. They're kind of like cousins, right. They're kind of like sisters. They kind of operate in similar but not totally the same ways, because proximity is a different thing than how much you're spending time with someone. It can relate to how much you're prioritizing them. But for me, the way that I'm defining it and it is my show, so this is the definition that I'm going to be offering up is that when we are in proximity to someone, that might mean that we are living with them, that might mean that we are in the same city as them, that might mean that we are in the same industry as them.
Speaker 1:All of these things could be proximity, and I think a lot of the times there is this assumption that if you are going to be in a monogamous relationship, you must be in close proximity in at least several areas of your life. You must probably live in the same city, maybe you rent the same apartment together, maybe you're living together, maybe you desire to have a shared workspace when you two are working from home. These are all things that are useful to consider. I don't personally think that physical proximity has to be the deciding factor of whether or not a relationship works for you or not. Now, everyone's mileage is going to vary and I think a lot of people do want to be able to see the person they're in this relationship with as much as possible. Again, if that's you, if that's working for you, amazing.
Speaker 1:But I think sometimes there's also this sort of pressure around like should I move in with this person Because that's like the thing to do? Should I share a space with this person because that's going to be better for us long-term? It's not going to be better for you long-term if you don't want to do it. It's not going to be better for you long-term if you don't actually enjoy sharing your space with another person. So I'm going to ask you to get really clear on what does matter to you in terms of proximity. Do you want to be within five minutes of each other? Do you want to be in the same place, do you not? Are you fine being across the country and seeing each other every other weekend or once a month or like whatever, like what genuinely lights you up and makes you feel good, not what are you kind of willing to live with, but what are you excited about, because being excited about the dynamic that you are creating is part of what's going to make it so good. Again, if you are doing something just because someone has told you, just because that's what you've seen, just because that's what you see your friends doing, just because that's what you've heard, it's not going to be fulfilling.
Speaker 1:And I think there are a lot of, I know there are a lot of unfulfilling relationships out there because the people involved are not clear about what matters. The people involved have not taken the time to potentially divest from what society has instructed and say, okay, we love each other, we want to be together, but this is our blueprint for doing that. This is how it looks to us. Our blueprint for doing that, this is how it looks to us. My therapist has told me for years that literally two people in a relationship can decide to do whatever they want. If those people involved are all in agreement, it can look any which way, and so I just feel like we need to talk more about this, because I am so like I don't want to say like overwhelmed by it, but I'm just like man. It's such a bummer that there are so many people who don't want to say like overwhelmed by it, but I'm just like man. It's such a bummer that there are so many people who don't have what they want because they haven't taken the time to figure that out.
Speaker 1:And you don't have to do it before you get into the relationship either. Any healthy relationship that you're in will allow you to share. Hey, this is how I'm feeling. This is the way that I'm growing and evolving. Are you on the same page? Is this also what you want, or do you want something different? So there are quite a lot of questions that I feel like I brought up here.
Speaker 1:It's okay if you don't know all the answers today, but I do want to leave you with this reminder that you get to choose. You get to choose the kind of relationships that you're in. You get to choose the people that are in your life. You get to choose how you show up within those relationships and do not allow someone else's life to make you think that your life should be that way. If that doesn't feel good to you, if it doesn't feel aligned to you. We're just too interesting of a species, as humans, to do everything the same, and it's okay if someone does it differently, and it's okay if people don't understand how you're doing it. Like none of that really matters, because at the end of the day, what matters is how you feel in your relationships. And if you are good within your relationships and it looks wildly different than what your friends or your parents or your cousins or your whomever have, that's okay too. Parents or your cousins or your whomever have, that's okay too. So I'm going to leave it there.
Speaker 1:Go forth, consider what you want in your monogamous romantic relationships. What would be ideal, and why have you not committed to experiencing that? If you feel like there's a little bit of friction in there, why have you not committed to having what you want? Let me know what you find. Let me know If this was interesting, if this brought up something for you that you had kind of been pondering for a while. Let me know, leave me a comment, send me a DM. I always love to hear from you, but until then, stay hydrated out there, take good care of yourself and choose. Choose what you want. All right, I'll see you here in the next podcast very soon. Bye, thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Larnie Wilson show. If you enjoyed this episode, then go ahead and subscribe. Leave us a five-star review and I will see you back here very soon.